Lost In Translation

noticed

2006-01-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

careful when you open, its easy to be broken
in the strangest fashion you start a chain reaction
when you look my way something's pumping away
and i wonder if i ever felt this before.
and all this time oblivious to what you make so obvious,
i can't believe i never noticed my heart before.

you are reaching to something that is beating.
i cant believe i never noticed my heart before.
over and again, racing out of my skin.
i cant believe i never noticed my heart before.
at least it was dead until i noticed

you and your ways capture what ive misplaced,
in the perfect fashion just watch my hearts reaction.
this point of view is nothing that im used to
but i wont close my eyes cause they're on to you.

and all this time it was staring me blind.
i cant believe i never noticed my heart before.

you are reaching to something that is beating.i cant believe i never noticed my heart before.
over and again, racing out of my skin.
i cant believe i never noticed my heart before.
at least it was dead until i noticed you.

the only time i ever noticed my heart
was when i noticed you.

~paul meany of MuteMath
http://www.myspace.com/mutemath

the evening song

2005-12-20T08:52:00.001-08:00

i wrote a song last night.

i used jonathan's chords (bless you jonathan.)

it is called, "the evening song" or "the desperate cry of a love-sick warrior seeking to be free"

either will work.

achemm (me clearing my throat) here we go.

shadows of uncertainty.
not knowing what i see.
you speak to me of eternity,
and i believe.
and i believe.

breaking off complacency.
tired of living just for me.
you showed me what true love should be,
and i believe.
and i believe.

draw me after you....
draw me after you lord.
draw me after you...
cause i believe
you will set me free.

If you ever want to hear it live, just ask...

music is the door to my soul...

2005-12-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

i have good taste in music. i do. it is weird. somehow as a child growing up the "kool and the gang" and "james taylor" being pumped into my soul manifested itself into quite the music aficinado. and i turned out alright. quite alright. and by the way never say anything negative about kool and the gang or james taylor they kick ass.

i was just sitting at work thinking about music. i recovered a cd that i was...will just say IN LOVE WITH and lost about three years ago, but an angel in the form of a boy my roommate is casually dating made me a copy after i mentioned that they probably are one of my favorite bands.

anyone laughing that i just made a definitive favorite statement about a band?

but they are. really, they could be in the top 15. but right now they are my FAVORITE.

ha.

i think christianity has lost touch with music. or rather good music. at my great uncle's funeral last week i was reminded how music is so fundamental to judaism. and i love it. the scripture is always sung. it makes sense, it is easier to remember things if they are set to a beat and have a catchy melody. so i am planning to write the entire bible to song. ha. nevermind i cant do that but someone should, and i will sing it along with my nsync christmas album and my long lost splender album (splender is the band i mentioned earlier)

i wonder a lot about how the church is constantly changing, not just in the aspects we always complain or think about, but in ways like when did they stop singing the scriptures, whose brainy idea was that?, who invented pews?, why do we continue to divide into more denominations although we preach unity?, why do we judge other denominations when we preach tolerance and understanding...it is not just outside the church that we judge but inside as well...

i like being jewish. they do the same thing, dont get me wrong...division division division...change up the rules as they like...hell life is subjective and realtive lets make religion that way too.

i'm glad jesus is real and really good.
and i love my splender cd.

grad school

2005-11-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

so the question on my mind for the last couple of weeks is do i pursue my masters.

looks like the answer is yes. i met with a grad school advisor today to pursue my m.ed or masters of education.

now i need to take the g.r.e.

it was rather amusing to be on the u.h. campus with the 18 year olds who are still getting lost. i asked one where i could find farish hall, and he looked at me blankly pulled out his map and him and his walking mate looked it up for me. the funny thing was listening to them converse behind me about oh so trivial 18 year old exploits. damn i miss college.

falling back

2005-10-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

i have a tendency to fall back into comfortable spots.

couches.
cds.
hammocks.
macaroni and cheese.

the above mentioned arent too harmful (of course obsessive Jason Mraz listening can convince me to do things like make a t-shirt that says "All I want for Christmas is Jason Mraz") but not too harmful.

but I am struggling here.

dying to take a rest in a relationship that hurt me quite profoundly. to the core. but it is comfortable and I miss it. not the bad parts, but the good parts.

I am having a hard time telling myself no. sometimes I even pursue the relationship. and sometimes I back off completely when it is offering itself to me.

I really am scared. I dont want to fall back. Wow.

earlier I had said yes to it, but later corrected myself with a text and said no.

man I love text messaging. non confontational communication at its best.

here i am to overcompensate...

2005-09-29T13:52:00.000-07:00

I like people who are genuine. I do.

Recently I have discovered it is hard to be real. Not the “knock on the table realize it is real” but the “know who to be” kind of real. There is this huge sense of I am not real if I say hello to someone I don’t want to talk to, let me divulge a little deeper into that. You run into someone you haven’t seen in a while and you say “Hey there John” they reply “Hi Barbi, how are you doing?” Shit. There you have it, they asked the dreaded question. Now the normal response most people give is to lie and say “I’m good.” Not saying you aren’t doing well or good even but it is a copout cause we have 1)convinced ourselves the “how are you doing” question wasn’t really wanting a real answer, 2)you don’t know this person so why would you answer the question truthfully and 3)are trying to end the conversation as smoothly as possibly.

Most of the time, although I acknowledge the fact that most people don’t seriously want to know how I am doing, I am going to tell them any way. Which usually is the feeling I feel at that moment which usually is me being tired so I will say, “John, I’m pretty exhausted, you?” Which is a good genuine response.

There are tons of examples like this one above I could mention. It all leads to this idea the Lord has been teaching me about OVERCOMPENSATING/OVERCORRECTING.

So if you really don’t want to know, don’t ask, right? But then now you have become that mean uninviting person no one wants to talk to. It is this crazy contradiction.

Take this church I have been visiting. I have been there about a month and not a single person has talked to me. I walk in with a friend, who is quite popular and have one of their “elders” come and converse with him and in no way include me in a conversation. Not once but twice. And now they have become the mean uninviting person I don’t want to talk to. I physically made a move and went to an open house…but what church means to me is so burnt on my brain that I cant get passed the fact that I feel unwelcome. I feel like church should be like a family (Acts 2). Aldersgate taught me that and I am spoiled. I want it.

Instead, I find post modern baptists overcorrecting what they see is a fault of their forefathers: greeters. Which brings me back to the example up top. So instead of saying, "Hi how are you," they decided against doing it, in an effort to not be fake or genuine. And there is the problem. They have made themselves more fake and less genuine because it shows no desire to do the one thing God created us for…well one of the things…Relationships. And I am not sure that I want to have a relationship with someone who can’t say "Hi" to me because they can’t be genuine.

And I am not innocent in all of this. I need to repent of my cynicism which increases with every smile that never meets mine. When I get nervous I overcompensate and ramble, now since I mentioned this you will recognize it. I was a shy child and taught myself how to be outspoken and extroverted. I overcorrected what I thought was a problem, something I thought would make people accept me more.

Sadly it doesn’t work this way. Overcorrecting leads to more problems. It does or it will. Sooner or later we will learn that being genuine, although hard is rewarding. I am praying for my friends, family, churches, you, that your heart would be opened to loving people more than yourselves. That we would no longer OVERCOMPENSATE for the sins of our fathers or ourselves but that we would live life like Jesus did. Genuinely.

I like people who are genuine. Don’t you?

137614505-W

2005-09-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

that is a case number for criminal mischief. i am so stressed out this week. no kidding. with all the other stuff, work, relationships, lingerie showers, ahhhh why lord why?

tuesday. 5:45 pm. vespa found on its side.
wednesday. 8:00 am. realize there is a huge dent where vespa fell.

get mad. then get sad.

thursday 6:00pm walk outside 15 minutes after i have gotten home to see once again my beloved vespa on the ground, this time with damage on the side not on the ground.

suspicious. tears. cops called. case number 137614505-W.

still no feather boas.

this really has not been a good week.

tongue-tied

2005-09-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

I'm tongue tied.

Waiting.

Hoping.

And praying.

Lying Beside you.

Longing To touch you.

But this feels like the end.

So tired.

We are Drifting.

Too far.

Eyes closed.

Tightly .

Thinking .

There might be

Some way .

But this feels like the end.

What went wrong

I need to know I can feel you're letting go

Though there is so much to say

I'm tongue tied,

Tongue tied.

Waiting.

I'm tongue tied.

Waiting.

Hoping.

And praying.

So near yet so far.

Alone Together.

Still this

feels like the end .

Still this feels like the end.

Still this feelslike the end.

Feels like the end.

~Aqualung

Wow. So I normally feel this way. I hear others do as well. This song is so haunting. Gives me chills. I thought it was time for a song post.

work

2005-09-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

So my job is so fulfilling on some levels. Take this photo to the left. 30 % of my job deals with media, photography and video...but right now I am designing a Photo Gallery for our annual dinner. So I get to look at photographs all day and organize, edit, develop, and mount them until the finish product is a 25 ft wall of photos. Now you may be thinking that is easy.

Sure, if I had tons of photos like these my job would be easy...believe it or not it is like pulling teeth to get our teams to send us pictures, let alone good ones or even decent ones. These photos, however, give me hope. We have a team leader in Uzbekistan who is a professional photographer and sends me beautifully captured frames. These both weretaken at one of our Afghan School dedications earlier this year. Wow. Anyway, just thought I would share part of what I do at work...

if you have the answer...

2005-08-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

i swear. seriously i do. every now and then i just let out a good cuss word to see if that eases that which is life. never seems to work albeit fun at times.

i have this sort of cloud of confusion that seems to follow me around kind of like dirt that you can never get out from under your nails. determining whether lives i witness are being ruined or reconstructed. how do you decide which to believe; it cant just be a decision between optimism and pessimism. can it? and i understand there is an enemy who is out to seek, kill and destroy us. but is that all?

choices.

i am noticing more and more that sometimes we hold on to things even if they are bad for us, and when they are finally taken away we dont have the capacity to determine if the situation is good or bad. of course it feels life threatening not life giving. i mean i was not all shits and giggles (random cuss word) when my dad died in march. it rocked my world. and hell i can count that example and all of them to learning who i am in christ, or who you are in christ, or i can sit and decide it has everything/nothing to do with what I can see in front of me...

you get it?

i want to. i want to be free.

oh jason

2005-08-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

so i finally received my copy of Mr. A-Z. Yay!!! I saw him open for Alanis and realized he is 100 times better than I gave him credit, which if you know me I give him a whole lot of credit...and he definitely deserves it.

Four songs had me mesmerized by my second time listening to the album.
Geek In Pink
Clockwatching
O. Lover
Please Don't Tell Her

wow. jason, see you in september...

on a serious note, i led worship for street church on wednesday. i will write a post on that experience next week.

go buy the album.

t w e n t y - f i v e.

2005-08-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

"It might be a quarter life crisis or just the stirring in my soul" ~ John Mayer "Why Georgia"

man, John Mayer knows something. something about me and my freaking birthday.
i recently discovered that John and I are perfect for each other. did you know that? here is a quote from him...

John says, "I always eat dessert before my meals. It's the only way to go!"

and those who know me know i am a huge advocate of desert first days. perfect match.

i want him for my birthday.

which is today. so hurry up people and get me John Mayer...

I LOVE Y'ALL...

and so it begins...

2005-08-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

the 12 days of Barbi have begun.
dont be afraid.
just dive in and experience that which is celebrating my 25th birthday...

August 3rd through 14th...birthday is on the 12th...

be there or be square. or if you arent here do them anyway they just sound fun...

Aug. 3 Do something cause you feel unoriginal day (inspired by Garden State and Carol's interpretive dancing
Aug. 4 Harry Potter Day!!! YAY!!
Aug. 5 Desert first day
Aug. 6 Amber Loves Barbi Day
Aug. 7 Ain't Nuthing but a G-Thang Day
Aug. 8 70s day
Aug. 9 Dune's fun filled Art Day
Aug. 10 Street Reach
Aug. 11 Batting Cages and Go Karts @ Celebration Station
Aug. 12 Quarter Life Crisis Day
Aug. 13 Visit to the Big House
Aug. 14 Closing ceremonies

best theme song ever.

2005-07-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

I rock peas on my head but don’t call me a pea head. Bees on my head but don’t call me a bee head. Bruce Lees on my head but don’t call me a Leehead. Now please excuse me I gotsta get my tree fed.

You wear name brands and I make my own clothing. I hang out with an apple who loves self loathing (i hate myself).

Pancake on my face makes me extra happy. I like shampoo bottles that sit on my lappy. Cuz its my show you can’t tell me what to do. When life hands me lemons I make beef stew.

So yo I gotta go its time for me to rock it. I put bologna in my left pocket. Smear some cream cheese in my gold locket. Cuz its my show im Andy Milonakis. Its my show im Shmandy Shmilashmakis. Its my show im Andy Milonakis

is this heavy or what...what?

2005-07-20T07:38:00.000-07:00

i have always had a tendency to over analyze. so when something causes my heart to be heavy i question whether it is actually true. i am rereading Waking the Dead, a book about reviving your heart, it believes that your soul truly does go hand in hand with your heart. it believes your heart has been deceived and shut out from experiencing life. yep. this is my third time to read the book. just thought it was appropriate seeing that my heart is pretty heavy right now.

which got me thinking. is my heart really heavy. there is a myth that centers around the idea that when you die your body loses 21 grams instantly, i can show you the medical proof (it is not consistent in every case but really should it be?) this doctor suggests that your soul actually has weight and that when you die it leaves your body and voila 21 grams lighter. there is a movie about it called 21 grams.

so when i first heard about this, things started happening in my head and moreso in my heart. my soul has weight and when it is upset i probably tend to feel its burden more. if my soul resides in my heart, and my soul is stirred within me, then blood more than likely will be pumping harder causing my heart to be working harder and alas it quite possibly will feel...heavy.

because it does. feel heavy i mean. and i dont know the answer to alleviate the heaviness except psalm 145:14-19...let me share.

The LORD sustains all who fall and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food in due time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His deeds. The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them.

sweet jesus. give me my food in due time. heal my heavy heart.

yep.

2005-06-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

This was for my lovely friend Sommer...who is hot. Just so you know you can purchase the shirt at an Urban Outfitters near you.

seem to fade...

2005-06-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Please understand I am not bathing in the glory that is heart ache, but simply falling more and more in love with Amos Lee...get his album dammit.

This song is so true.

COLORS

Yesterday I got lost in the circus
Feeling like such a mess
Now I’m down I’m just hanging on the corner
I can’t help but reminisce

When you’re gone all the colors fade
When you’re gone no New Year’s Day parade
You’re gone Colors seem to fade

Your mama called she said that you’re down stairs crying
Feeling like such a mess
Yeah I hear you you’re in the background bawling
What happened to your sweet summertime dress

I know we all, we all got our faults
We get locked in our vaults and we stay

But when you’re gone all the colors fade
When you’re gone no New Year’s Day parade
You’re goneColors seem to fade
Colors seem to fade
Yeah

philippians 4:8...and 9

2005-06-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

SO I AM TRYING TO DO THIS...IT IS HARD BECAUSE I HATE A CERTAIN GUY RIGHT NOW AND I HAVE A HARD TIME NOT THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS HE HAS SAID TO ME IN THE PAST MONTH...BUT...

Verse 8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (NASB)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (NIV)

And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (NLV)

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious--the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. (The Message)

Verse 9.
The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (NASB)

Lovely.

for jay.

2005-06-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

i think i recently uncovered a deep hidden truth in my life, not that it is truth, but it is something i have come to think of as truth. i have let myself and my heart fear so much that it is unable to live, unable to breathe or even think without being scared.

i am scared.

scared of what you ask? life in general, not just one aspect, but every aspect. to be in a relationship, to not be in a relationship, to never know what i am supposed to do with my life, to know what I am supposed to do with my life. yep. scared. and fear has tightened its grips on me so much that my vision is blurry.

but no more. i will not stand in fear or let my fear debilitate my heart. not tonight not again not again.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." ~The Alchemist

and eternity has been written on my heart and i am ready to embrace it now.

my list...

2005-02-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

Sometime last March Joyce gave me the task of making a list of the things I wanted in a husband...

I have been praying over it recently, and it is broad enough that many females may want the same thing...but you can't have him...He's mine!

"In your spare time you climb trees and feed starving children in Sudan.
You laugh at the wind and swear you hear it laugh back at you.
There isn't a day you forget to tell me I'm beautiful, and because of that I am captured by your beauty.
You think that all the world needs is love and of course loud singing.
You once wanted to be an astronaut but instead decided to love Jesus wholeheartedly.
You know that children are our future and you want to play.
You accept all forms of weather and most of all me.
You fought for the freedom of one lost sheep and your heart.
You know exactly who you are and that's exactly who I want you to be."

So, Joyce said my last statement meant my future husband quite possibly is in his 40s...that of course made me laugh.

I want this...

2005-01-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

"No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that...over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable- like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love- like there has never been in a play."

Mmmmm. Like a nice piping hot bowl of tomato soup, or for those who prefer it chicken and stars...

Love definitely occasionally makes you feel all warm inside, it also however upsets your stomach, distracts you at work, makes your knees tremble, confuses you, blinds you, helps you, guides you...

The whole idea of love is beautiful to me. giving yourself completely to someone, accepting all the risks, pushing all fears aside, and jumping head first. It's exciting and I want it. Pray for me cause I am too idealistic in this area, my heart is aware of the reality of love, but it so desires the hopeless romanticism it has always dreamed for that I am not quite sure I will know when I truely am in love.

Actually, I am pretty sure I will know...

eleven hours down...

2004-12-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes your body can only handle so much stress before it shuts down. Now, if you see my life through the big picture lens it is nothing of consequence, or maybe the big picture lens lets you see all the junk...

either way, my body just shut down last night around 8 and I woke up this morning at 7:30am, oh the insanity that is my mind. lovely when you think about it, cause actually I think I could have gone a couple more hours but the thought of my fabulous job got me up and out of bed ready to eat some Golden Grahams. Which by the way is one of the best cereals in the world.

You may be asking yourself, what stress could I possibly be undergoing...I too ask myself that everyday. Cause I truly don't want so much stress that my body shuts down for 12 hours...excuse me 11 hours.

But one word can sum all my junk up...relationships. I sometimes wonder why something so inately simple, something we long for so much, would be so damn difficult...but it is. If you think they are easy, your relationships must be very shallow and lack luster...mine are deep and intense like my heart...hehe...I am in no way dogging you...actually I am. Come on get with the program, live a little, let yourself get hurt by your friends...hurt your friends...hehe...

And then witness your body shut down for 11 hours...

reassembling my chattels

2004-10-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

Blah, blah, bitty blah…My Canadian boss has the most amazing vocabulary. No kidding. He has this Oxford Dictionary and it is like 9 pages to every 1 page so you have to use a magnifying glass to read it. And I swear he must have studied the dictionary like one of those eight-year-old psycho spelling bee kids (you know the ones who live, breathe, and sweat words to spell…watch Spellbound it’s pretty funny). Those kids scare me. Nevertheless, whenever I don’t know the word Mr. James Clark says, I casually walk into his office and pull out good ole Tafty (I just named it that; after the fat president who got stuck in the bath tub) and check what the word means. So Monday at our staff meeting James was praying for me that I would be able to “reassemble my chattels”, I thought that was so poignant that I wrote it down in my little work journal next to a little drawing of a butterfly I had doodled during our staff meeting. My chattels, if you are wondering, are articles of moveable property. MOVEABLE…yes mine were moveable and stolen from my house last week. We had a very ignorant person rob our house, the most valuable thing he took happened to be my laptop. Ehh…I’m over it. The robbery. I just really think chattels is an excellent word. When you see me, ask me how my chattels are doing?

Somehow I need to find a way to put chattels into a regular rotation in my everday vernacular. Yes I do.

Subconscious Distractions by Beauty

2004-09-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Yep. Subconscious distractions. I think somewhere in the mess and maze that is my brain, I have possibly programmed it to be distracted by anything beautiful. Usually in consists of me consciously knowing that it isn't something I should dwell upon, and yet my mind always seems to disagree and let my insides live its desires. Therefore, I get distracted. And quite easily I might add. Especially by beauty.

Beauty is a strange thing. It encompasses more than just physical attributes. It's deeper. True beauty is what distracts me. The earth-shaking-heart-stopping-breath-taking beauty. Like that of a sunset or an amazing book. Beauty, my friends, is my life. I search for it, long for it, want it more than anything else. I see it in skies, in Jonathan's eyes, in Laura's hearts cries. It is like my drug and my brain is addicted.

So I get distracted by it.

I have this new friend, who I see these amazing glimpses of true beauty, and it's got me completely distracted by him. On multiple levels. Intellectually, it is this amazing rush of adrenaline pumping through my vains. Spiritually, I want to take all of God's beauty in. Reality, I have blurred vision. Bill told me in one of his last emails to me to not get blurry vision. And I consciously tried (poorly) to do that, my actions definitely are partly to blame, but my subconscious won again in its fight for beauty...and lo and behold I lost this contradiction of wanting to be distracted but needing to see clearly.

I love beauty. It really is everywhere. Closing your eyes on a windy day and feeling the wind brush across your face. It encompasses. It engulfs. And rightly so. God made us to long for beauty. The truth is God is the beauty I continually see in front of me, and it is worth the distractions to get a glimpse of beauty in my opinion. It is worth everything to feel beauty.

Most of the time though, I want someone to see my beauty. Completely.

Clarity.

2004-09-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

a random piece of heaven greeted me in the early hours as I ventured outside in the early morn with our new pup Nellie. as she did her business I gazed at the moon which seem to overpower the stillness of the sky. the sky was not dark but rather was closer to the color of a deep blue you only see when you look at a lake. the stars shown brightly, each one drawing closer to me as if i urged them to come and talk to me. but the moon. it knew my name. and i imagined it knew my heart. it gave me a sense of clarity as i walked back to my room with Nellie licking my face.

very strange how just a glimpse of something true and eternal can bring clarity.

now believe me this clarity was more of an overwhelming sense of peace, not like everything in my life was completely understood now...heaven forbid. i like a little mystery in my life...and poetry. clarity is poetry.

but oh to taste...

2004-09-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

...to know much more than Your face, to feel Your embrace. ~S.Barnard "Be Near"

"How odd would it seem to have been one of the members of the early church, shepherded by Paul or Peter, and to come forward a thousand years to see people standing in line or sitting quietly in a large building that looked like a schoolroom or movie theater, to take Communion. How different it would seem from the way they did it, sitting around somebody's living room table, grabbing a hunk of bread and holding their own glass of wine, exchanging stories about Christ, perhaps laughing, perhaps crying, consoling each other, telling one another that the Person who had exploded into their hearts was indeed the Son of God, their Bridegroom, come to tell them who they were, come to mend the broken relationship, come to marry them in a spiritual union more beautiful, more intimate than anything they could know on earth.” Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller

I’m desperate, you got me. I’m completely desperate for Him. No, not Donald Miller (who I would love to meet) but Jesus. I feel disenchanted of sorts by the church’s lack of humanity in their presentation of communion or even our relationship with Jesus. I just got angry. The church spouts out all this relational mumbo jumbo jargon but very few church goers really want a relationship with Jesus. Tragic. We need communion. Henri Nouwen’s book Can You Drink My Cup? presents this act as a form of sacrificial worship but also as an opportunity to share an eternal relationship with the one person who loves us completely. Am I willing to take in all of Jesus, the whole cup, all the tribulations and the love…everything? Are you? I’m desperate. I have been attending two churches and neither have done communion the entire time I have been there. The more I contemplate communion, the more I dig into how I feel about this act, the more relational it becomes to me. Every wedding ceremony I have been to always has the couple take communion together to solidify not only their union but their union with Jesus. Hello. That may be one of the most terrifying things to do in our entire life…not marriage…but complete union with Jesus. Eternity is a long ass time, and I am scared to even just date anyone (although I think that has something to do with not having anyone who wants to date me...) How strange is it that although I am scared of eternity, it is what my heart longs for and cries out for. He has written it on my heart and I am desperate. I am.

...until she pleases.

2004-08-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

Thin ice. Yep, that's it. I am treading on dangerous ground. Praying that the Lord will cover my heart and capture it completely. I'm not willing to fall right now. I need His help desperately, cause like I said...I am treading on dangerous ground. A very attractive dangerous ground.

I am beginning to understand the meaning of the passage in Song of Solomon, where it says, "do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases." Uh Huh. Got it completely. Maybe I am just fearful, but I really don't want to like anyone until it is the Lord. I am through with making my own choices, I want God's choice for me. So this thin ice, keeps creeping up on me and making it very appealing to possibly take a chance on it. Sure, this ice has shown no guarantee that it wants me to take a chance, but circumstances seem to make my heart beat faster with each glance I get. I just want clarity.

Maybe tip-toeing will work for a little while, but I'm a sucker for jumping up and down.

They say it's your birthday...

2004-08-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOO.

Many people don't know that those words are actually lyrics to the Beatle's song Birthday...For all of those who need to know the rest of the lyrics...here they are in celebration of my actual birthday...and the 9th day of Barbi.

You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you

Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party

I would like you to dance (birthday)
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (birthday)
I would like you to dance (birthday)
Dance I would like you to dance (birthday)
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (birthday)
I would like you to dance (birthday)
Dance

You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too yeah
You say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you

AND WE ALL THOUGHT THE BEATLES WROTE GREAT SONGS...

Celebrate...

2004-08-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

good times come on...lets celebrate.

So yesterday began the 12 days of Barbi. And it went off with a bang. You might be asking your self, "Self, what is the "12 days of Barbi"?" Oh let me tell you, see there is no possible way to celebrate your birthday really on one day (mine is August 12th) and you never get to see everyone you want to on that day either so why not celebrate it on multiple days and see everyone. So here is how it works...you begin the celebration days before your birthday and then carry it on through depending on its landing in the week. See, since mine is on a thursday, my celebration must go through that weekend too. Make sense? Yesterday I went to a sneak preview of Riding Giants (IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL, GREAT FILM) and tonight is skateboarding and Napoleon Dynamite with Sammy...everyday you do something fun with someone different.

I love birthdays!

my life as a song...

2004-07-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

sometimes while i am listening to the radio i feel depressed by the lack of good songs. the mixture of bad messages and cuss words are enough to bring anyone into a wrong state of mind...of course there are those who insist that they don't listen to the words but love the beat and i confess i have used that line numerous times...and i had come to a point of saying that song writers of our generation could never compete with that of our parents...and maybe they can't but there are some who will give them a run for their money...

so here is song...composed of lines worth mentioning from artists who can compete.

"life is like a shooting star. It don't matter who you are if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time. We are lost 'til we are found."

"If I could find you now things would get better. We could leave this town and run forever.
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together. Let your waves crash down on me and take me away"

"Like any uncharted territory I must seem greatly intriguing. You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before."

"I Can't Stand It I Know You Planned It. I'm Gonna Set It Straight, This Watergate"

"and you say i only hear what i want to: i don't listen hard, i don't pay attention to the distance that you're running or to anyone, anywhere, i don't understand if you really care, i'm only hearing negative: no, no, no."

"it's not always rainbows and butterflies its comprimise that moves us along."

"It could all be so simple but you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scars"

"So now you're sleeping peaceful I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile across your face..."

"Every day I see your face I wish I'd stayed don't even know what made me run away. It's just the way I play the game."

"somewhere in the vicinity of the heart, i feel something hittin' me awful hard. i don't know where it's gonna lead but i just know it starts somewhere in the vicinity of the heart."

"You are the flame in my heart. You light my way in the dark. You are the ultimate star. You lift me from up above. Your unconditional love takes me to paradise."

"something's different in my world today. Well they changed my traffic sign to a brighter yellow."

"I worry, I weigh three times my body. I worry I throw my fears around. But this morning, is a calm I can't explain, the rock candy's melted only diamonds now remain."

experiential differences...

2004-07-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

seriously, (lower case phase is back in action) my life is like a modern adaptation of a tale of two cities, minus the freaky twin thing. although i have always wanted to be a twin. but moreso it is the actual tale of two cities...houston vs. college station. for those of you in houston, it's too damn hot, and for those in college station, get the hell out of there as fast as you can. you might think it is safe and secure, but in all actuallity it is a stifling environment full of dos and donts. newsflash. college station's rules were meant to be broken. do move on...don't fear change. embrace it.

not that houston is paradise. it is far from it, which is probably why it actually helps me grow up. i got a job, not fighting as much with the parental units, spending quality with the Man, as well as learning how to peel bananas with one hand...a definite hard thing to do. but houston lacks deb, it lacks dianne and amber...and that has still been a difficult transition for me.

however, in houston there is carol and jamie, my annoying sisters (who are still precious but very annoying), and millions of new faces all over this city. its beginning to feel like this could be home.

experiential differences can only produce one thing if your heart and mind are open. a deeper revelation of truth and love. the 12 disciples came from completely different backgrounds...you had a tax collector, some fishermen...and they fought over who would be seated next to Jesus in heaven, and one even walked on water. they had experiential differences and i have learned much of how to live and walk with jesus through their lives. when need them, the experiential differences i mean.

In remembrance.

2004-07-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

This entry is dedicated to Jonathan's van, which passed early Friday morning by an all consuming fire...

I remember we were driving driving in your car (van)
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged (the toliet made me feel safe)
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone (be someone)

You got a fast car (you made all those long trips)
But is it fast enough so you can fly away (of course you always died during them)
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

(sniff sniff)

I salute you Jonathan's van, you will be greatly missed.

A sleepless night.

2004-07-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

"I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind...." ~Albus Dumbledore; Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

It's strange to not fall asleep. A feud between mind and body. Everything seems tired, I mean even you hair can hurt, but you can lie awake for hours...sometimes thinking of stuff, sometimes not. Even when you aren't thinking it just feels like you mind is so full it will explode. A ticking time bomb of sorts. Just being too tired to physically decide which wire to cut. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. So you just sit, for hours...

I like Albus Dumbledore (the wizard). He has this thing called a Pensieve, which is what he puts the memories that are cramming his brain into...I bet he sleeps at night.

In this Pensieve, you can go into your memories as a third party and basically relive and work through them. I need one desperately. Because eventhough I sometimes am not thinking of anything while I am lying in bed not sleeping, there is definitely a reason that I must be awake. Like I should be processing something. Believe me, I am not an airhead or absent-minded, I definitely think too much which could be my problem, I do work through things in my mind, and I tend to over analyze...like most of the female gender. It's just sometimes I would rather take the thousands of fleeting thoughts that coagulate in my brain hendering me from peaceful sleep and put them in a jar for sorting out during the hours that I am awake. I should invent something like that. People would buy it.

The little things...

2004-07-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

I just love the little things: the kisses from departing Central Asian Teachers, two year olds learning my name in 5 minutes, Lance moving up in the stats (God Bless those mountains!), a random phone call from a friend, and most importantly for this week...JOHN MAYER TICKETS. Sure he's just a man, but he is a man who knows how to play a guitar and sing like an angel.

It's great because these little things are like tiny presents to me from God. All individually, uniquely picked and wrapped just for me. Like He knows that I adore two year olds and kisses. It is crazy to think that I am that important to someone. That the God who created the earth and everything in it, looks down and thinks, "I am glad Barbi is getting to see John Mayer, she really likes him." Sure, there are tons among us who like him too (Ray...Emory...) , but this concert is something I desperately need to lift my spirits. Actually, my spirits aren't down. I am feeling wonderful.

Out of John Mayer's mouth:
I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design.
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Oh there is John...it's called Barbi...

Slip Slidin' Away...

2004-07-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away. You know the nearer your destination, the more you're slip sliding away.

Short and to the point. Sometimes life really feels like the headway you make means absolutely nothing compared to the things that can bring you down.

confidence isn't something I got from my parents...

2004-07-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

Words to live by...as you can see I am out of my lower case phase, it lasted a whole 2 days...I say anything that lasts over a day is worth mentioning...like having a good hair day or not recieving any bad news. Lately I have been having good hair days but always ruining the flow with bad news. The kind of bad news that rocks your world. When I think of having my world rocked I think of a see-saw, remember those? Up and down, up and down, up and down...it never does anything but that stupid up and down motion...of course we are dare devils at heart, and those repetitive movements can really scar a child, so we usually perform some sort of acrobatic feat on the oh so boring see-saw. However, my life's see-saw seems to be dangling over sharp-pointy-I-could-kill-you-at-any-moment words that cut like knives. I hate those words. I went to grand ole College Station for a visit, and I came back with one thing. Confidence is not ever going to be something I got from my parents, it is something I got from Ray, Joyce, Laura, Bill, Lauri, Jessica, John...and many more who loved me for who I was and am. We seem to struggle with confidence I would say 85% of the day, in some way. And that's a lot. A whole lot. You see now when life is going any way but my own, when I can't see why I should go on, confidence seems to be the only thing that will get me through. Therefore, I will remember the conversations with Laura about the demonic forces of Lord of the Ring, tag-team discipleship meeting with Jessica and JoAnn, listening to Amber sing a newly written song...and be confident in who I am because I know these amazing people who must see something in me worth sharing their life with, and that blesses me and gives me confidence and strength. Bad days are not going to scare me anymore...losing my teeth in my dreams is definitely going to give me a heads up next time...EAT YOUR HEART OUT JORDAN...hehe

a decision...

2004-07-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

so i have decided to only write in lower case letters...cause that's how i feel. you may be wondering, "what decision did barbi make?" yes, it is true, i have decided to stay in houston, leaving the safe womb of college station and embarking on a rebirth of sorts. looking forward instead of stagnating in the stench of my past. wow that was so lyrical. see i told you i should be a writer. so this is my blog. this will be my way of writing my satirical life down in words for all that i love to see. for all to read my frequent misunderstandings that seem to plague my beating heart and journey. are you lost? so am i. read at your own risk.